In brief
As many children embark on their preschool journey, separation anxiety can pose a challenge for both kids and parents. While initially reluctant, many children adapt quickly with proper support and reassurance. Experts suggest methods such as gradual exposure, establishing routines, and a focus on building resilience. Recognizing the signs of prolonged anxiety is crucial, and seeking professional help may be necessary if symptoms persist.
On her first full day of preschool, Alexander Lane's 3-year-old daughter stayed in the car for an hour at drop-off because she didn't want to go inside. On the second day, she entered class in tears.
But by the third day, she eagerly ran into the classroom.
Starting preschool or kindergarten is a milestone, but also a source of anxiety for some children, including many who are experiencing their first extended period of time away from a parent or guardian.
Lane already knew his daughter was nervous about being away from her parents. She had resisted going to a couple of classes several months ago, so Lane decided to give her a break before enrolling her in preschool.
“It’s not productive to tell someone, ‘You’ll just enjoy this if you push through and do it.’ Like, that’s not very persuasive,” said Lane, of Minneapolis.
Separation anxiety is not uncommon, especially for young children. In fact, experts say that it’s a natural part of growing up.
“As we’re starting a new school year, we’re going into a new classroom, our routine is changing ... there’s going to be some of this anxiety and time that you would expect that a child would need to transition,” said Erica Lee, a psychologist at Boston Children’s Hospital.
But if a child demonstrates symptoms of separation anxiety for prolonged periods of time, it can hinder their daily activities and may need a clinical diagnosis. Here are some steps to acclimate young kids to school and make drop-off easier.
Teaching kids — and parents — to be brave
In almost two decades of teaching preschool, Kimberly Skukalek, of Pinellas County, Florida, sees a handful of children every year who experience separation anxiety. Her goal is to show that school is a safe space where they can make new friends.
And that message isn’t just for anxious children — it’s for parents too, she said.
“Some parents ... especially if it’s their first kiddo, they’re more scared than the kiddo is,” Skukalek said.
Parents who feel their children cannot handle a difficult situation can prevent them from building resilience, said Izabela Milaniak, a psychologist at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. Giving into a child’s fears, such as letting them avoid school, often worsens separation anxiety because the avoidance breeds more distress, Milaniak explained.
That’s why she emphasizes the importance of raising brave kids. Helping children confront scary situations — like being alone — shows them they are capable of doing tough tasks, even if it’s uncomfortable.
“It’s giving them opportunities to learn how to self-soothe, to learn how to be alone, which is part of what we all as humans need to learn,” Milaniak said.
Milaniak suggests a two-pronged approach for a child dealing with separation anxiety: Validate their feelings, but stay firm. Treating a child’s anxieties with respect is important, but “compassionate limit-setting” is essential for building their confidence.
When Patrick Edmondson’s child, Miles, started preschool in 2023, the 3-year-old resisted getting ready and became emotional during separation. While Edmondson and his wife empathized with their son’s fears, they didn't want to indulge his anxiety by allowing him to skip school.
“If he was really having a problem, that option exists, but we don’t really disclose that to him,” said Edmondson, of Washington, D.C. “If that was the case, he would just say ‘I don’t want to do it. It’s too scary, I don’t want to go today.’”
Miles’ parents implemented a few tactics to help, including offering reassurance that they would come back for him and letting him choose a “bravery toy,” such as a Hot Wheels car or a stuffed animal, to make him feel safer at school.
Now in kindergarten, Miles enjoys riding the bus to school, Edmondson said.
Gradual exposure and building routine
Gradually exposing a child to separation can help them become more comfortable, Lee said. Parents can start with brief separations, such as going into another room for 5 minutes, to build their child’s tolerance. As a child gets used to it, parents can gradually increase the duration.
Creating a brief goodbye ritual can also assist a child dealing with separation anxiety, Lee pointed out, as it establishes a routine without dragging out the parent’s departure.
Lane eased his daughter's transition into formal preschool by having her attend half-day classes over the summer. They talk on Sunday nights about what activities she may do in class, packing her lunch and picking out an outfit together to help her feel more comfortable.
Pay attention if anxiety persists for weeks
Symptoms of separation anxiety include tantrums at drop-off, following parents around the house, or resisting sleeping alone. “That fear of separation is really rooted in a child being scared that something bad will happen to their parents or something bad will happen to themselves if they are apart,” Lee said.
If separation anxiety persists for several weeks or months, Lee suggests checking in with a pediatrician. However, she also confirmed that children can overcome these feelings at any age, as it is “highly treatable.”
